Considering the Challenge

So, our favorite (meaning least favorite) non-expert on politics (who will go un-named here so to avoid giving him unnecessary hits on the web) provided a bounty of $5 million to anyone who can dig up President Obama's college transcripts and passport.  Besides yet another unfortunate moment where the media pay attention to an uber-hack who is a specialist in gaining attention for himself no matter how little substance he brings to the table, it raises the question of what he would hope to find?  Bad grades, thus confirming suspicions that this very smart, very articulate, very studious president made his way through life via affirmative action?  What about the passport?  That he traveled abroad?  I think we know that. 

Of course, even if such information existed, this is not quite the October shocker that he would be hoping for because one of the powers of incumbency is to make far less relevant one's distant track-record.  Draft-dodging and Vietnam protests mattered in 1992 for Clinton, but in 1996?  Nope, it is the most recent four years that matter most for any incumbent running for re-election. 

Still, given that Obama clearly is quite capable and probably did very well in college without much affirmative action along the way, what embarrassing information could we find on his college transcript?

• Obama took "Cultural Relevance of Star Trek".  Oh, that was me.  Never mind.
• Obama got a C in gym, as he was downgrading for only shooting 3 pointers?
• Obama took some courses in an area called "Liberal Arts."  Really!?  Gasp!
• Obama got an A in a class where they had to read Marx, thus proving that Obama is a Marxist.
• Obama got an A- in macroeconomics, proving that he actually does not know everything about the national economy.
• Obama did really well in Chemistry, so he might just be able to make meth.
• Obama aced a course on religion, which means that he might actually believe that there might be more than one way to worship.
• Obama learned French in college, making him likely to be a cheese-eating surrender monkey.
• Obama did well in Drama, which means that everything he says is a lie.

What is on his passport that could be incriminating?

• That Obama traveled beyond the borders of the US so he is not entirely ignorant of the world around him?  How embarrassing?
• That Obama visited France, making him more likely to be a cheese eating surrender monkey?
• That Obama visited a country where there are some Muslims, confirming his secret Muslim-ness?
• That Obama prefers Euro-Disney to the parks in the US, making him a traitor, violating the very fabric of Americana?
• That Obama has only been to Israel a few times, rather than visiting every year since that is where Mecca is (hey, The Donald is not a good geography student)?
• That Obama visited China so he must be the Manchurian candidate?

Of course, Stephen Colbert is on top of this (hee, hee):

For a donation of $1 million to the charity of Trump's choice, the blackmailing billionaire must submit his mouth to a dipping from Colbert's balls.

"Nothing would make me happier than to write this check," said Colbert. "And nothing would make America happier than have something going into your mouth than coming out of it."