Warning: In the early days of the Semi-Spew, personal stuff, pop culture, and random stuff made up most of the content. It is only with the passage of time, exhaustion of various ideas, and, yes, the onset of autocracy that I began blogging almost exclusively about politics and especially the dark times.
I separated from my ex-wife in May, so I started dating, and since I haven't dated since the early days of the second Reagan Administration, I have very little experience and many thoughts. Not only has dating changed with online dating, apps, and speed dating, but apparently deep into his middle-ages Steve is very different from desperate teen Steve, including the fact that I am now a trained social scientist. So, I can't help but think comparatively, to analyze, to generalize, to build theories, and to develop policy implications (well, for me, not for the policymakers).
And, yes, it is truly a bad idea to blog about dating when one is dating since the women I am dating could find this blog,* so I will step carefully and make this spew less semi and more fully baked.** So, I will not talk about individual women but about the larger patterns or surprises along the way of my still quite short adventure into the unknown.
First, this is really a lot of fun (I am aware that my experience is gendered, more below). Unlike my teen years, there is really no self-imposed pressure. Back then, damn near everything seemed to ride on whether the girl I was seeking liked me or not, and since few liked me as more than a friend, I was miserable and my self-esteem was in the toilet. These days, it does not not weigh that much. It is also really fun because women of my age have really full and interesting lives and experiences (I have dated women as young as 45 and as old as 60ish). I apparently suck at keeping dates to an hour as each one ends up being a very long and delightful conversation.
Second, at least in my small number of observations, there simply is much less bs and much more clarity. A few of the women I have dated have quickly realized that I am not in the same cycle of life as they are, being so close to the separation, so they just tell me that and move on (the others took four dates to figure that out). The date may have been fun, but they see that I am not what they are looking for, and that's it.
Third, while people can lie on their profiles (thus far, I haven't experienced that myself), I have found that dating someone I met via an app provides more info than one I met via speed dating or setup. Eight minutes is not much time, and then remembering what each woman said on a night where I talked to ten is challenging. The person setting up with someone had very little info to give me, so I was mostly going in blind. Before a date with someone I met online, I can refer to the app and be reminded of the basics: age, whether they are vegetarians, whether they drink, various interests, and so forth. For women I met speed-dating, again, just what I can recall--might be their job, whether they have kids, stuff like that. The other difference is that online dating usually required a week or two or three of chatting before setting up a date, where as the speed dating led to setting up dates as soon as we got the contact info from the speed dating organizers.
Fourth, speaking of dating profiles and lies, it is interesting to see people insist that their pics are recent or that other info they put on their profile is real.... which may be the case, but, then again, I am not sure it provides more credibility than not insisting such things are true. A case of applying credible commitments and other concepts from poli sci and international relations to dating.
Fifth, what the fuck is it with crypto? I had two online matches lead to chatting back and forth, and then the two women raised crypto as an interest. Since I am crypto-skeptic, I asked to talk about other stuff and ... then that ended the conversation. So far, the only ghosts have been crypto people. I guess it is the same with all scams--you don't have to be successful very often, you just need one every once in a while to make a sufficient profit to stay in the grifting business. From now on, I will simply be the first to end the convo when it comes up.
Sixth, my quest to find a replacement for ultimate frisbee may end up with a p-sport: pickleball or paddleboard. Those two sports come up more than most in women's profiles, although that might be my confirmation bias at work as I am not paying as much attention to those who mention sports or activities that I am unlikely to pursue, such as hiking.
Seventh, I have gotten to see more of Ottawa as the women live all over the place and as they have various ideas about things to do that I didn't have in mind. So, I have been to a baseball game, to a show, to the art museum (which I had meant to do but never got around to), sailing, to a Zombie Run, to a spa, and so on. This process also inspired me to do things I used to do--go to a comedy show and so forth.
Eighth, I am much more aware that the threat environment is different. Most of the women didn't give me their last names or phone numbers until after a few dates, only one was willing to have me pick them up at all and thus revealing the location of of their home on a second date. They have to be more cautious because either lots of men are assholes or the few assholes get around a great deal. On the flip side, none of the women I have been out with raised any alarms at all. I doubt it is my keen ability to sort.
Ninth, I have had only one major failed experience. I tried an organized singles night at a bar. While I learned that I can detect disinterest pretty well, it was hard to approach women with no introduction at all. The contrast between the ease and fun of a speed dating event and a singles event at a bar is pretty stark. It was also a young group so there were few women who were in my range. And hearing "hey prof".... not great. Luckily, she was not a student of mine but did go to my program. While I will be trying more speed dating events and the like in the future, I am not going to be repeating the single's night at a bar experience.
Tenth, rules? What rules? My first first date was the most open, wide-ranging conversation I could imagine. I often don't think I have much of a filter, and then I meet someone who truly has no filter, and I feel positively restrained. This woman asked a lot of questions about my breakup, my sex life, and more, and told me a great deal about all that as it applied to her. My second first date included a conversation about Gaza, and I thought talking about Israel/Palestine was a no-go area for a first date, just like one should not talk about one's previous relationship. Each person and thus each pairing is different and I never tried to steer any conversation. I was and am completely open, and will answer any question (as that first first date proved). So, yeah, no real rules for what to talk about except--I kept asking questions, not just talking about myself. My curiosity was and is fully engaged.
Finally, in a short period of time, I experienced a heap of rejection and it does not phase me in the least. Match lets you know how many people have seen your profile and it keeps a list of all the people who you have swiped right on--who you wanted to meet....who did not reciprocate, so one can always see how low one's batting average is. I dated a number of women who realized within one and four dates that they weren't into me--some because of no vibe but mostly due to a mismatch of timelines/preferences. And that is perfectly fine. I have had fun, my ego/self-esteem has been boosted, and my life is quite interesting a result. I am learning, I am doing stuff that I wasn't doing before, I am getting out and about.
I think one reason why folks are so soured on online dating (well, besides women having to deal with a ton of assholes) is that they are trying to find the one, which is damned hard to do. I have had a more pleasant time as I had a simpler set of goals--to have fun (broadly defined), to learn, to get out.
And now? Well, so far, so good. Did I have my girlfriend read this before posting? Yes, yes, I did.
* One of the things I quickly realized is that having blogged, tweeted, skeeted, podcasted, and been recorded in a number of ways (conferences, media hits, etc) is that women can quickly find out pretty much everything about me. Unlike some guy who might be catfishing or otherwise being engaged in deception, my cards are out there on the table, face up, so women have a decent idea of what they are getting into. At least one even looked up my salary on the Ontario sunshine list. Not sure any found my rate my prof scores.
** Of course, early in my blogging days, I wrote a piece I had long thought about discussing academic politics and I still managed to get another job after that, so maybe I just think I have as much impunity as the typical Trump official?
