Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Optimistic About the Apocalypse

I have started off the year with some pretty pessimistic posts, so I thought I would post a positive one: a zombie attack might just be inherently lame.

Why?  Cracked has a brief slide show (I hate slideshows, but brief ones on Zombies are ok):
  1.  "They have too many natural predators." From bears to bugs.  Of course, the problem with this assertion is that we do not know what happens when animals bite zombies.  The various strands of Z-mythology vary on this.  Animals sometimes become zombies, sometimes they die, and sometimes they just don't want to eat rotten meat.
  2. "They can't take the heat."  Putrefaction is likely cause zombies to explode.  Are dessicated zombies capable of locomotion?
  3. "They can't handle the cold." Indeed, World War Z addresses this quite well.  Zombies freeze when it gets too cold, but that is, ahem, cold comfort since surviving in cold climes is not easy (cannibalism anyone?)
  4.  " "Biting is a terrible way to spread a disease."  Indeed, this one has my favorite quote: "
    Hey, remember that time when that dog got rabies, and then a day later, every single other dog on the continent had it, except for a small band of survivors huddled in a basement? No? That never happened?"  Cracked has a higher opinion about the Centers for Disease Control than the average screenwriter.  There is a point here--zombies need to attack their predators to find sustenance (well, sort of, not clear whether eating brains is an addiction or necessary for z-survival). Who else has to do that.
  5. "They cannot heal from day to day damage."  Indeed, this is why the whole concept of running zombies is problematic--their joints would quickly become damaged.
  6.  "The landscape is full of zombie-proof barriers."  Yep, we can herd them off of cliffs.  Into water is more problematic since they don't drown much.
  7. "Weapons and the people who use them."  And I would add to that: it would not take long for folks to figure out the whole head-shot thing.  

    The problem with the Cracked post is that it is a bit too optimistic about the nature of Zombies.  They might do better in heat, etc. because their very nature is contrary to all that we know about science.  So, of these seven, only numerous predators (perhaps), landscapes and guns fill me full of optimism.

No comments: